NC Sez:  Those damn right winged extremists are attacking peace loving liberals! What the hell  is wrong with them?

 By Sid Bridge, Notre Dame University Correspondent

The University of Notre Dame has opted to award President Barack Obama with an empty envelop at its commencement ceremony, allowing the President to appear even though he is several credits shy of an Honorary Degree.

“We are very excited that the President will be speaking at our commencement,” said Notre Dame President, Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., “But we ran into a few snags with the honorary degree. I think we came up with a suitable solution.”

The note to the President from the University of Notre Dame reads as follows:

“Dear President Barack Obama, We thank you for your hard work in becoming President and breaking new historic ground. Unfortunately, according to our academic review board, you are 38 credit hours short of an Honorary Degree. Since it is theoretically possible to make these hours up in summer classes, we are allowing you to appear at commencement and receive an empty envelop. In return, we ask that you please report for Economics class promptly at 7:00 a.m. Thursday. It is important that you report promptly, as you’ll need to demonstrate passable knowledge in Economics, Biology, Mathematics and especially Ethics if you plan on earning an honorary degree.”

Obama’s aunt expressed pride that her son would at least get to walk at commencement.

“He really wanted to walk at commencement,” said the President’s aunt Zeituni, “He was just so far behind I didn’t think they’d let him. He didn’t even open any of his economics or business textbooks. He was too busy playing Galaga at the Pizza Hut around the corner.”

Protests for the President’s appearance at Notre Dame finally dissolved after news that he’d be receiving an empty envelop.

“I was shocked when I heard they were giving this man an honorary degree,” said chief protester Dr. Alan Keyes, “When I found out that envelope was empty, I almost soiled myself from laughing so hard. I think my work is done here. I’m taking my protesters and going home after we all stop for a pizza.”

The President took the news with dignity and humility.

“I hate Econ,” said Obama.

by Sid Bridge, Hollyweird Correspondent

The Disney Universe was rocked by tragedy today when Tiana, Disney’s first black princess, fell to the cold steel of an assassin’s bullet while addressing fans from the balcony of her New Orleans home.

Civil Rights leaders were shocked and horrified by the incident, reminiscent of still-vivid images from the 1950’s, when attempts to improve race relations often proved fatal.

“I am shocked and horrified,” said the Reverend Jesse Jackson, “Sure, she spends most of her movie as a green frog, but to me, she was the first, most black princess of them all. She was ten times blacker than that Pocahontas chick.”

Soon after the assassination, police apprehended a suspect who attempted to ditch a Marine sniper rifle as she fled the scene. The suspect was later identified as aging Disney Princess Snow White.

A tearful Snow White shouted to shocked onlookers about what motivated her to become a murderer.

“It’s just not fair,” said White, “That bitch gets to live in a palace in New Orleans with a lifetime supply of Gumbo and the best possible view of Mardi Gras. But what about me? What about Snow f**king White?! I’m living in a hollowed-out tree with seven psychotic midgets! I clean for them, I cook for them, I listen to their incessant whistling, and what do I get for it? I get sneezed on and snored at. I get one who’s too shy to talk to me, one who’s so damn happy he must be on crack, one that wants to play doctor all the time, one a**hole, and one who keeps blowing dope smoke in my face!”

White was carried off in handcuffs by the New Orleans police and is being held without bail while all the facts are being gathered.

Friends of Snow White indicated that the aging princess was getting distraught and had not been herself at their usual princess get-togethers.

“She had gotten increasingly distant,” said Ariel the Little Mermaid, “After the fifth face lift and the ridiculous boob job, I just felt like I didn’t know her anymore. I stopped talking to her after she called me ‘fish breath’ and told me to get my f**king crab off of the buffet table.”

Meanwhile, New Orleans is once again in mourning.

“I felt like we had just gotten over Katrina,” said Mayor Ray Nagin, “I promised everybody that nothing else bad would happen on my watch. I even had those stupid busses parked on higher ground. Who goes around shooting people in New Orleans? Well, besides the 103 other shootings so far this year. It’s just not right.”

Conspiracy theorists have already come forward in attempts to prove that Snow White wasn’t working alone.

“You want to tell me that a coked-out, over-plastic-surgerized freak could have acted alone on this?” said conspiracy theorist James Leeland, “I think this was a government hit. There’s only one black princess in this country, and that’s Hillary Clinton.”

Others chose not to accuse the government.

“The princesses were working together,” said conspiracy theorist William Poe, “I think you’ll find that several bullets all hit the same spot. They were all expert marksmen. Snow White was the best. None of them wanted to split merchandising rights with another princess. They took out those Bratz for eating into their merchandise revenue. There’s no way they’d allow someone to get that close and take a one eighth cut. They all had a part in this, and the truth will come out!”

The other princesses refused to comment.

Today at noon west coast time, I will be a guest on The Gathering Storm Radio Show to discuss Censorship, and Act for America.  I hope you can join us for that discussion.  The call in number at The Gathering Storm is  (646) 915-9870!  

(post stuck here until after the show Thursday and Friday afternoon) 

Thursday, May 7, 2009

6 pm PDT

Click here at 6 pm to listen

Chat room is located on show page

Don’t forget to click that Remind Me button

Thursday night, Jefferson Paine and I will be chatting with Conservative comedian and blogger Eric from Tygrrrr Express.

Eric Golub is Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and has lived in Los Angeles since 1990. He received his Bachelors degree from the University of Judaism, and his MBA from USC.

He has been a stock brokerage professional since 1994. He began blogging on March 11^th, 2007, and has been inflicting his world view on his unfortunate readers since then. He blogs about politics Monday through Friday, and about football and other human interest items on weekends.

He currently has three fatwas against him: One from a Palestinian group, one from the Daily Kos, and one from the National Organization for Women.

He wants you to all to know that if he ever says anything that offends you in any way, you probably deserved it.

He is currently dating a liberal. Both of their families are in mourning over this.

By Whirled Health Correspondent, Sid Bridge

Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano urged that we take action in order to stop “Talibans from smuggling swine-flu tainted bunnies through Canada on stolen cruise ships.”

The announcement came at a press conference Napolitano called for 8:00 am this morning and began promptly at 12:30. The first five minutes of her remarks were only heard by the front row until a reporter from WABC pointed out that Napolitano was speaking into the wrong side of the microphone.

“We have lots of problems here in the United Skates of America,” said Napolitano, “The most biggest of which is those Talibans. They’ve got the swine flu and they’ve been trying to steal cruise ships off the coast of Sumatra. It’s a good thing our Coast Guard was there with their elite sniping teams to shoot at them.”

Added Napolitano, “We need to take action.”

When asked what action she proposed to take, Napolitano excused herself for thirty minutes, where she was met just outside the room by President Obama. Obama held her head by the chin and scalp while he whispered something very slowly into her ear. He then placed a flip-chart in front of her face and began drawing some diagrams for her. Finally, she returned to the press conference to address the question.

“It’s very simple,” said Napolitano, “First, we need to make sure that every American has free health care. When greedy rich people give us enough money to provide health care for every American, they’ll all be too strong for the Talibans and their suicide belts full of swine flu bunnies. Then, we hit ‘em hard by pulling all of our troops out of iMac and sending them to Alphalphastan. Finally, they won’t be able to steal any more cruise ships once we’ve gone around the world and thrown all the nuclear weapons into garbage cans.”

Napolitano finished her speech and looked back to President Obama to give him a thumbs-up. The President took his head out of his hands long enough to nod at Napolitano and indicate that she should step down and conclude the press conference.

“It all sounds good to me,” said Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, “Janet’s a smart cookie. I’d trust her with the safety of my country. Heck, I’d even let her take my kids to the park. They won’t get hit by any of those suicide belts full of swine flu from those darn Talibans.”

Republicans were unsure how to react to this new homeland security strategy.

“I know everybody who voted for me really wants me to do something about this,” said Mitch McConnell, R-Kentucky, “But would you all mind if I just sprung for everybody in Kentucky to join me for a four-year vacation to Cancun? Mai Tais are on me. Otherwise, I think our heads might explode.”

NC Reminds:  Here at No Compromise, “JG” is referred to as Janeane Garofellatio. I’m sure you know why. **blush**

Reported by Hollyweird commentator Sid Bridge

Janeane Garofalo  recently decided to rant to Keith Olberman by spouting baseless statements about Tea Party attendees, calling them ignorant racist rednecks. The Endive has therefore decided to spout a few baseless statements about Janeane Garofalo without checking the facts at all.

Her next poop is going to look like a mold of Keith Olberman’s scalp.

Her last name is a contraction of the words ‘Garbage’ and ‘Buffalo,’ the two items she smells most like.

When she walks, she warbles.

It was, you know, that time of the month. She mistook the hormonal imbalance for intelligence.

She’s a communist, jew-hating, toad-licking, cud-chewer who likes to molest rodents.

She once regurgitated the skeletons of three Vietnamese children.

She performs abortions with her tongue and the government subsidizes it.

She really is kind of funny if you turn the sound off and watch her lips ooze petroleum jelly.

In other news:  reported by White House Correspondent Sid Bridge

Congress Bans Le__er “_”

_ea Par_ies across _he na_ion were lef_ s_ymied when Congressional Democra_s pushed legisla_ion _rough _he Sena_e las_ week banning _he le__er “_.”

“_his legisla_ion will save us millions of dollars by reducing _he size of every documen_ by up _o _hir_y percen_,” said Sena_e majori_y leader Harry Reid, “_ha_, of course, was our main reason for doing i_. Screwing up _he _ea Par_ies was jus_ a perk.”

_he Presiden_ expressed suppor_ for _he bill, which flew easily _hrough _he House of Represen_a_ives, and signed i_ in_o law las_ week.

“In a _ime when our economy is s_ruggling, we all have _o make sacrifices,” said Presiden_ Obama, “I_’s no_ a _ime for anyone _o be making a profi_ and i_’s certainly no_ _ime for was_eful people to con_inue _he ex_raneous use of _he le__er ‘_.’ As for _he _ea Par_y movemen_, all I can say is _hey are more _han welcome _o con_inue wha_ _hey’re doing, jus_ wi_hou_ _he le__er ‘_.’ _ha_’ll ge_ you arres_ed.”

Indeed, several _ea Par_ies were shu_ down on _ax Day for using _he le__er “_.”

“All I said was _ha_ _axes were _o_ally _oxic,” said _ea Par_y ac_ivis_ _om _i_leman, “I_’s _ime _ha_ we _ake _he Presiden_ _o _ask for _axing _he _oms, _onys, and _errences who work for wages and _ips. Now _hey’re going _o _ake me _o jail? _ha_ _o_ally sucks.”

_he ban has been enforced _hroughou_ _he coun_ry, even in non-_ea Par_y si_ua_ions.

_he PBS _elevision show Sesame S_ree_ was shu_ down yes_erday and _he _riangle-loving fuzzy mons_er _elly was _aken _o prison for announcing _ha_ _he show would be sponsored by _he le__er “_.”

Federal au_hori_ies indica_ed _ha_ Sesame S_ree_ would be shu_ down indefini_ely un_il i_ could be figured ou_ precisely how much _he le__er “_” paid _o sponsor _he show and how of_en the le__er “_” had sponsored i_ in _he pas_.

_alk radio has had a field day wi_h _he issue, wi_h hos_s such as Sean Hanni_y and Neal Boor_z screaming _heir displeasure on _he air.

Rush Limbaugh, on _he o_her hand, seemed unaffec_ed.

“Here a_ _he EIB Ne_work, we are above _he le__er ‘_,’” said Limbaugh, “I hope _his and fu_ure a__acks on our alphabe_ fail.”

Some businesses, such as Home Depo_, _ook _he change in s_ride, claiming i_ would no_ really affec_ _heir brand name or business prac_ices. O_hers, including Ro_o Roo_er, _erminix, and _i_leis_ are unsure how _hey will con_inue _o s_ay in business.

“We’re going _o have _o lay off 30,000 people,” said _imo_hy _ucker, CEO of _i_leis_, “We jus_ can’_ con_inue _o do business wi_hou_ _he le__er ‘_.’”

Presiden_ Obama insis_ed _he end of _he le__er “_” would become a help _o _he economy, no_ a burden.

“Removal of _he le__er ‘_’ is crea_ing new jobs,” said Obama, “I am pleased _o announce _ha_ my newly-formed ‘_-removal _ask Force’ will be hiring eigh_ people. _ha_’s eigh_ jobs we didn’_ have. Now _ha_’s progress.”

One can’t be in battle mode all the time, right,  so today we took the day off to stop and smell the flowers!  One thing no one can deny about Washington state,  and that it is truly a beautiful state.  Surrounded by two mountain ranges, and vast bodies of salt and fresh water sounds, bays, rivers and lakes one has to stop and smell the fresh air just to get perspective.  

Tulip Festival 2009 is going on in Washington right now. This is a festival that only lasts a couple of weeks,  so when those buds start poppin’ open you gotta make the trip!

We at No Compromise want to share these beauties with you. I wish there was smell-o-rama as the air was filled with the fragrance of hyacinths and daffodils and tulips.  Winter was long and hard in the Puget Sound this year and we are glad to say that  Spring is definitely in the air.  

Jefferson Paine took Mrs. Paine to the Festival last Saturday,  and Mr. No Compromise,  and I took the day off to visit the festival today.  

It was truly spectacular,  and I hope you enjoy the snapshots we took of what God does with His paintbrush!  

Tulip Fields aren't forever ~nc

Grapes and Oranges ~jp

Pretty in Pink! ~nc

Purple Parrot ~jp

Yellow Convergence ~nc

JP's Sensitive Side ~jp

Orangesicles ~nc

Pink Hyacinths ~jp