No Compromise when you're Right!

by Sid Bridge, Hollyweird Correspondent

The Disney Universe was rocked by tragedy today when Tiana, Disney’s first black princess, fell to the cold steel of an assassin’s bullet while addressing fans from the balcony of her New Orleans home.

Civil Rights leaders were shocked and horrified by the incident, reminiscent of still-vivid images from the 1950’s, when attempts to improve race relations often proved fatal.

“I am shocked and horrified,” said the Reverend Jesse Jackson, “Sure, she spends most of her movie as a green frog, but to me, she was the first, most black princess of them all. She was ten times blacker than that Pocahontas chick.”

Soon after the assassination, police apprehended a suspect who attempted to ditch a Marine sniper rifle as she fled the scene. The suspect was later identified as aging Disney Princess Snow White.

A tearful Snow White shouted to shocked onlookers about what motivated her to become a murderer.

“It’s just not fair,” said White, “That bitch gets to live in a palace in New Orleans with a lifetime supply of Gumbo and the best possible view of Mardi Gras. But what about me? What about Snow f**king White?! I’m living in a hollowed-out tree with seven psychotic midgets! I clean for them, I cook for them, I listen to their incessant whistling, and what do I get for it? I get sneezed on and snored at. I get one who’s too shy to talk to me, one who’s so damn happy he must be on crack, one that wants to play doctor all the time, one a**hole, and one who keeps blowing dope smoke in my face!”

White was carried off in handcuffs by the New Orleans police and is being held without bail while all the facts are being gathered.

Friends of Snow White indicated that the aging princess was getting distraught and had not been herself at their usual princess get-togethers.

“She had gotten increasingly distant,” said Ariel the Little Mermaid, “After the fifth face lift and the ridiculous boob job, I just felt like I didn’t know her anymore. I stopped talking to her after she called me ‘fish breath’ and told me to get my f**king crab off of the buffet table.”

Meanwhile, New Orleans is once again in mourning.

“I felt like we had just gotten over Katrina,” said Mayor Ray Nagin, “I promised everybody that nothing else bad would happen on my watch. I even had those stupid busses parked on higher ground. Who goes around shooting people in New Orleans? Well, besides the 103 other shootings so far this year. It’s just not right.”

Conspiracy theorists have already come forward in attempts to prove that Snow White wasn’t working alone.

“You want to tell me that a coked-out, over-plastic-surgerized freak could have acted alone on this?” said conspiracy theorist James Leeland, “I think this was a government hit. There’s only one black princess in this country, and that’s Hillary Clinton.”

Others chose not to accuse the government.

“The princesses were working together,” said conspiracy theorist William Poe, “I think you’ll find that several bullets all hit the same spot. They were all expert marksmen. Snow White was the best. None of them wanted to split merchandising rights with another princess. They took out those Bratz for eating into their merchandise revenue. There’s no way they’d allow someone to get that close and take a one eighth cut. They all had a part in this, and the truth will come out!”

The other princesses refused to comment.