Yeah, this is what it really looks like!
The frustration of Air Force One pilot Captain Steve Hawkins reached a boiling point yesterday when the President spent the entire flight messing with the plane’s gadgetry.
“I apologize to the White House and all of President Obama’s fans,” said Hawkins, “But I had to tell him to stop after he accidentally sent 27 weather reports to NORAD, flushed all the air fresheners out of the toilet, ejected our spy camera, rolled down three windows, and ate all the f**king peanuts.”
Hawkins was referring to all the havoc a star-struck President Obama caused on a recent Air Force One flight. Air Force One is larger than a hockey rink, has two full-sized kitchens capable of serving 100 people and it’s own on-board medical operating room.
“I was a little worried when Barack started playing with all the stuff in the operating room,” said Air Force One staff physician Irwin Fleishman, “He took a souvenir White House teddy bear and cut into the poor little guy with one of my scalpels. Then, he proceeded to carefully cut out all of its fluffy guts while forcing me to stand there holding the stupid suction tube. Here’s the kicker, though – he grabbed a real human liver that we had been keeping on ice for an emergency and transplanted it into the teddy bear. When I told Captain Hawkins, he almost crashed the plane because he banged his own head on the controls.”
President Obama showed no remorse for his antics on Air Force One.
“I went into the kitchen and a made a sandwich with salami and peanut butter and chocolate chips and barbeque potato chips and Italian salad dressing and vegemite,” said the President, “Then I made [Air Force One staff chef] Armando [Manari] eat it. Damn that was funny.”
Captain Hawkins was said to be unsure as to whether or not he wanted to continue piloting Air Force One.
“When we landed, he hit the button to deploy the inflatable sliding chute. Once you do that, the stairs don’t work, so we all had to slide out of Air Force One on our asses,” said Hawkins, “That’s when I finally told him to stop f**king with the buttons. This flight was more stressful than the time I had to fly 48 kids with Projectile Vomiting Disorder to Disneyworld from freakin’ Seattle. I’m serious here. He f**king radioed the Joint Chiefs of Staff and told them they could not leave the building until they all got funky. Then, he proceeded to play P-Funk music as loud as possible through our emergency communication lines.”
“George wasn’t much better,” said Captain Hawkins of former President George W. Bush, “He used to buzz me on the intercom every two minutes to ask if we were there yet. I must’ve threatened to come back there 500 times.”
Added Hawkins, “I’d quit if I thought I could actually find another job right now.”
captain trips
on Feb 18th, 2009
@ 11:11 am:
Funny shit
I’d expect nothing less of this guy we now think of as our president. This guy, who everyday, shows us that he’s little more than a teenybopper in a middle aged mans body.
God let America survive this clown-boy.